Ghosting Your Problems

The modern world’s new channels of interconnectedness have brought difficulties in socialization and the avoidance of confrontation. Not too long ago in terms of human history, people lived in a single town for most (or all) of their lives, and the people of that town made up the near totality of one’s interactions. Their fellow residents were the people that they compared themselves to, perhaps desired to impress, and from whom they gained their knowledge. Much of their food and resources came from within.

As a result of the closed communities that once made up our reality, people were forced to deal with one another, even when it was difficult. Their conflicts would more likely be faced than fled, not least because they would have to deal with problematic people for the rest of their lives. It wasn’t reasonable to avoid the street that the person lives on, or the store that he works in, because there weren’t many options.

Modern man struggles greatly with conflict. He practices avoidance rather than seeking resolution—and he can. Our towns and cities are big enough to avoid people completely, and we don’t need to go to one individual for his trade or goods. For better or worse, we have lots of options.

In some cases, of course, outright avoidance is the best course of action, but we have a society of people that cannot deal with any confrontation, even when doing so would be the best strategy. Sometimes conflicts take place that are simply briefly uncomfortable. Sometimes, you have to tell people that they are doing something that is affecting your friendship. Nowdays, we are more likely to stall. We avoid. What we should have learned in childhood, but didn’t, is not properly integrated. We lose the friendships that we should have had, because we were unable to overcome difficulties in an adult manner.

Taken to its extreme, the very modern phenomenon of “ghosting” exists, by which a person refuses all communication attempts by the other party, never having to even look them in the eye. It’s trivially easy and seemingly devoid of consequence, but we might consider how this cultural norm has affected our ability to deal with conflict, even when we ought.

It’s improbable that our society runs better this way. In other words, we’re not better people for having undeveloped or atrophied emotional capacities. Yet that’s what is reflected among, most obviously, younger generations, even when a change on the national stage affects them in ways that they perceive negatively. They have on-air emotional breakdowns that are posted on TikTok. Certainly, some of it is merely for attention and fame, but plenty are legitimately struggling to cope with any degree of conflict or difference.

When one combines the modern industrialized society of disconnectedness with the way many choose to raise children, we prepare them for failure. For example, those who were raised exclusively with “positive reinforcement” parenting styles only hear the word “no” for the first time as adults. They are not prepared for personality differences or even differences of opinion.

There are many indicators of cultural breakdown, but an inability to express and resolve difficulties with one’s neighbor must surely be amongst them. To apologize, admit fault, and make corrections; these are all important parts of the human experience. At least, they should be. They should cause us to be more forgiving to others as we recognize how we need that from others. The isolationism and vapid individualism of modernity assure us only of the lie that we are without need for correction, perfect in ourselves. It’s the perilous adage that “I’m perfect just the way I am,” but none of us are. This perverse attitude manifests in broader society as a toxic egocentricity so endemic in our age — corrosive to any real progress, stunting of individual development, and antithetical to community.