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Bret Green's avatar

I remember a day, not long ago, when athletes were clean-cut, polite and carried themselves with a high standard of behavior, on and off the field. What was not allowed: the loud-mouthed, uncouth, chest-beating, grand-standing animals, which are worshiped by the masses today.

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Phil's avatar

So I was watching these "Novus Ordo Cringe Videos" the other day... (I don't recommend it, trust me) it had some of the most insane weirdness you could ever see in church, but I've seen quite a bit of it all already... and that was years and years ago. Nothing new there, the idea of 'entertainment' and the altar as a stage is perhaps the greatest achievement of cringe you'll ever see. There's nothing even entertaining about any of the nonsense I've ever seen. In fact, I find it difficult to believe (yes, I know) that anyone at all is entertained other than the buffoons clowning (in some cases literally) around on the altar.

Weirdo baby boomer old ladies prancing around in a talentless form of imagined ballet, raising their arms, bringing in remote controlled robots, bizarro and excessively bad stand-up routines by the priest saying mass, making even more bizarre analogies to aliens from outer space, childrens cartoons and soap operas... And the worst thing to watch is people in the pews pretending that any of it is even entertaining let alone 'inspirational.' Beyond whether any of it is sacrilegious, I would argue that it is all so absurd and cringe, it not only doesn't belong in church, it belongs nowhere.

The thing is, it's not just the FBI that doesn't want you to pray the rosary or attend a Latin Mass, and there can be no doubt at this point, neither do many of the archbishops....and dare anyone say it...

...but howabout circus clown masses? Yeah, that's totally okay. Right? As long as there's some mentally deranged person dancing around flailing their arms or ineptly playing an acoustic guitar, singing some folky rendition of "Were You There" obviously thinking of Woodstock while they try to sound like John Denver.

What used to be pretty common fair for Catholic public figures to share their thoughts about traditional "Catholic" things is now "offensive" to CATHOLICS? Yeah, I see now. Now I understand the Vatican Circus, the Picasso style depictions of the Stations of the Cross, the H.R. Giger Mosaics, the driftwood Crucifix, the Laughing Jesus Tapestry, and all the cringe of the past has finally come to its conclusion. Forget about whether people are wearing SpongeBob T-shirts in church, you have to ask yourself, are you really going to a church? Especially one that looks like a 1970s Spaceship designed by architects on Acid? Is the modern art distortion of sacred symbols really necessary on the priest's garments? Hell why not just sell Jesus T-shirts painted by Yoko Ono, have a circus every sunday and smoke reefer while the aged hippies and old ladies flailing their arms around sing Kumbaya while swinging rosaries around like jump-rope? What are we 4 years old? Is that what the Vatican thinks of us?

Sorry to rain on the circus parade, but the shallowness of this type of behavior is likely to be as offensive to Satan as it is to God Himself as to it's sheer ridiculousness and irreligiosity. It certainly doesn't feel like a religion, and I realize some people want it that way, but even when I was 11, I seemed to be able to understand some kind of mysticism while trying to light the incense for the priest saying mass and setting my altar robes on fire. I believe they call it respect. Respect for the place, respect for the power, whether it be of fire or God. Respect for the people in the pews, respect for the minds and souls of others. Respect for the fact that there must have been a reason for incense, and for the candles, the water, the whole ceremony. I guess I was trained by evil extremists, who wouldn't have dared play a boombox in church, or bring in some weird performance art dancers, or Bozo the Clown for that matter. The truth? People will go elsewhere, because spirit is a real thing, and the soul, and unless the Catholic Church wants to be some kind of laughable Televangelist Shitshow of Nonsense, with trained monkeys on accordions, the Flying Wallendas and Bearded Ladies, they better stop persecuting people who are practicing the actual Catholic Religion. Yes, at this point I think the conclusion is secure. The Pope just did that to you on 60 Minutes. As I tell everyone, I didn't leave the Church, it left me.

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